Finding my High Heels

From my computer archives. I wrote this July 2011.

{And now looking back 10 years later reading this. I am so glad that I learned all these life lessons. It takes a lot of work and practice to take care of yourself.  I am still learning to listen to my body and make healthy choices.  I am still learning to let go of things that don't serve me.}

During this past Sunday rain storm I had time to reflect back on my first two pregnancies as well as my current one.  I noted how different they all were as well as the differences with myself.  During my first pregnancy, I lounged in the indulgence of pints of Ben & Jerry’s and boy, did it show!  

My second one I restrained myself somewhat with the weight but overall I just looked frumpy.  You know the look - messy pony tail, sweats, t-shirt, flip flops, no makeup, underwear that really should be thrown away plus who cares & nobody notices, and I just don’t have time look! 

Now, this pregnancy has come a little later and life has given me A LOT more lessons since my other pregnancies.  What happened to that person who had style, who looked sexy, who felt sexy, who cared, who had time for herself & made time for herself?  Where did she go?  And why am I shopping for clothes in Wal-mart???

Have you been there?  Did parenthood & marriage come in the middle of the night and steal your lingerie, your sexy black dress and your sassy high heels? 

The answer is YES it has, and YOU let it happen.

This is how it happened to me and this is how I returned to wearing my sexy, patent leather, peek-toe, yellow high heel shoes who I call Tami!  My story is fairly common as well as my excuse.  I simply got “stuck” in life and stopped really caring about the zest of life.  Does this sound familiar?  Bills, schedules, dead lines, to do lists, cleaning, debt, organizing, decorating, dirty diapers, dog poop, let’s just open another credit card, shopping, cooking, laundry, the cat just peed on the clean laundry, dishes, what will people think, slipping & falling in baby throw up, husbands, resentment, lack of sleep, yard work, painting, crying baby, very dirty car, yatta yatta yatta....... I think you get the point.  These things are what ran my life, my marriage and my parenting especially during my second pregnancy.  And that is a direct reflection of what I looked like too.

Life has a bizarre way of giving you just what you need even if you don’t think so at the time.  It is all in your perception to see it as your gift.  So, I decided to take my lemons and make some good ol’ Lemon Meringue Pie!  You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you do the personal work.  After that, it’s such a wonderful uphill adventure.  Go to the salon & get a saucy new do, buy a pair of thongs, take your kids for ice cream for dinner, kiss your husband like it’s the first time, get a babysitter for a date by yourself, spend hours in the downtown boutique, cook dinner in heels, talk about money & bills at scheduled times, soak in the tub, give more, love more, laugh more and it will all come back to you when it is given freely.

I thank my inspiring, supportive friends and my wonderful husband who has equally done his own personal work and my beautiful girls.  They have all given me the nudge to discover and love myself.  Now pregnant with my third girl, I am rejoicing.  I am back!

I invite all of you to use the wonderful resources available in this area to give you the nudge to rediscover yourself and give your own high heels a name.

 

The Feelings of Disenfranchised Grief

It's a struggle to even write this journal post because I'm not "allowed" to feel the feelings. The grief work on disenfranchised grief is prickly but writing it down helps me process the emotions of it all. And I wrote it to help all of you out there who are reading this and need the validation of feelings like I did.

Someone who caused me so much pain in my life suddenly died at a young age.  She was a part of my story. A big part - the kind of story that transforms who you are.  And now she is dead.

I'm not supposed to feel sad, mad, glad or whatever for her. I am not allowed to talk about her. I'm supposed to have let all that shit go. It was 10 years ago. I may have forgiven her but I will never forget. Ever!

There is no room for how I feel. No place to put it. I am heartbroken. Sad that if there were ever to be an apology, a reconciliation, an understanding, anything - it will never happen. It's not that I expected one but hope is kinda funny like that.

I also feel so mad at her for her choices in my life. I also feel so sad for her too.  We had an awful dance together. So many tears. But I used all that pain as a platform as a gift as a transformation.  So in a way she was my teacher - a gift in a real shitty box. She shined a light on all my ugly - the "dragon" inside of me.

It feels so strange and complicated and awful to have someone die that had such an impact in your life and have to process a lot of it internally and secretly. I had someone scold me for having dark humor about her dying.  Excuse Me! Don't judge me for how I cope with death.  "She is someone's wife, sister, daughter, mother"  Yes, but she was also a bitch in my life, a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a drunk, a bully. I was afraid to leave my house because of her.  She played that role in other people's lives too.

We both set out to hurt each other as much as we hurt inside.  Of course, that side of her isn't seen by her loved ones.  I never saw that other side of her - the one that other people who loved her knew.  The side that was kind, fun, wonderful.  I do know it existed.  She also saw my dark side and in that knowing and seeing the most awful and the darkest of the dark of each other - it created something between us that doesn't just go away after 10 years. It was an unspoken woman connection of pain.  I can say for sure that if my name came up to her she would not say that she had forgotten me.  I wonder if she ever did forgive me like I had forgiven her?  I wonder what she did think of me after all this time?

I wished things could have been different between us.  I wish none of this ugliness was between us. I wish I knew that wonderful person that everyone else will miss. The fact that she is now dead does not bring me closure because as long as I live then my story lives and the memories are still there. I used to light a candle for her and wish her love and light and hoped she had received it. Maybe doing that again will help settle the bubbling up emotions. Light a candle for her soul and all of those left with the pain of losing her.

I learned you have to be careful who you share dark feelings with.  They aren't for everyone. There are a select few who can handle pain like that. It was the same when I was going through the hurt ten years ago too.

I came across an article online (Click here) that really helped me process and validate my feelings.

I would love for any of you to share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below about the death of someone who caused you pain?

"Slow" Living Comeback

  I've been thinking a lot about the "before me".  The Me before I moved back to Telluride.  I did a lot of fun things in Montrose that I was super passionate about.  First and foremost it revolved around food and kids.  Since that time, my life went on a different path - still a great one but just not that one.  I have also taken this time to homeschool my kids for a year and be present and available to them while working on Me.  As a wife and mama, having a well-established & lucrative career is not easy.  For the ones that have achieved it -Kudos!  But in my experience when a career path that I have ventured on starts really succeeding then my home life starts really lacking which then has brought me to always choosing my family first.  I haven't learned how to juggle both successfully.

Ginger Magnolia Catering: my catering company in Montrose, CO 

Which brings me back to FOOD.  SLOW.  KIDS.  TEACHING.

I've been listening to what the universe keeps placing in front of me.  Ever heard of the Slow Food Movement?  It's an organization that encourages people to get back to the way food was handled in the classic era instead of the modern one.  I have always been a huge supporter of it.  I feel like the large food industry is not the way of the future for a healthy lifestyle.  Localizing your food to your region is the way of the future.  It is not easy to fully embrace this lifestyle the way things are set up.  But on the western slope and in a lot of other communities it is alive and well and flourishing! *sidenote: Please support your local farmer's markets and their vendors!!  

I feel like most people want to support this and know this is the way it should be.  But I also feel that so many people that I encounter say that:

1. They don't know how.
2. They can't afford it.
3. They can afford it and will pay for it.

In all 3 of these scenarios, there is an underlining theme.  Most people don't know how to live or cook "slow".  It is something that I am constantly striving for, teaching myself, learning from others and life is definitely always reminding me to do so.  There is a missing piece to achieving Simple Living. Who is teaching it?  Did you take Home Ec?  Did your family teach you?  Chances are you will say no. Plus, is it even offered at school any more?  And the other piece is being grounded.  I have found that when I am stressed, sick, moving houses, not exercising, eating processed foods - it is really hard to keep yourself grounded which makes it really hard to live intentionally. But it is one of those things that go hand in hand.  If you don't live "slow" then you aren't grounded and vice versa.

I am ready to get back in the saddle to my first love and passion.  Food and teaching.  I don't know it all but I have found the montessori principle to be true that when you teach others that you actually learn and receive much more.

I want my community to know how to:

Canning and Preserving Food

Natural Fermentation

Baking from Scratch

Fundamentals of cooking

Baking Bread

Sewing 101

Gardening

Learning How Did They Make That (soap, candles, etc..)

Visit local crafters/artisans to learn

Making Ice Cream

Making Your Own Condiments

Make Your Own Laundry Detergent

...there are so many arts to learn

  These things are our heritage.  These things are important.  They are getting lost.  Our children's menus are limited to chicken nuggets, grilled cheese and macaroni & cheese.  Ewwww!!  Why can't restaurants offer kid portions of their regular menu?  

Kids Cooking Class: Make your own Pasta

  Maybe baking bread or sewing isn't your thing or you can afford for someone to do it for you.  But, the knowing how is always a good thing.  That way when you visit your local farmer's market, you know exactly "How", ask educated questions and can fully appreciate the time, effort & love that is put into the food you consume.  If you ingest good energy then you put forward good energy.  

I organized a Kid's Baking Competition for a School Fundraiser

  But even more important, you have to educate and teach your child the same.  I see so many families that eat well but their kids only eat chicken nuggets, fries and yogurt.  Kids will eat healthy if you make it taste good, and it's colorful.  I was the lunch lady for 3 years at my children's school and I had quite a few picky eaters that I turned into healthy eaters who became curious and interested in their food.  I remember one kid that said that they didn't eat pesto because it is green.  Well, we made the pesto from scratch.  Then, cooked the penne pasta, grilled some chicken and roasted some veggies.  We mixed it all together and he tried it.  He said that he LOVED pesto!  I had a roommate in college that said that she had never had carrot cake because who would eat a cake with carrots.  I made one and she was obsessed and disappointed that she had never been offered one in the past.  Another adult friend grew up with TV dinners and was a picky eater too.  I encouraged him to try new things - he fell in love with making his own guacamole and eating fresh fruits like kiwi and even grapes.  To me, this is so sad but also so wonderful to have opened up their palates.  I have read that unless there is an allergy, most foods have to be reintroduced to children at least 100 times. 

School Lunch: Veggie Quesadilla, Salsa, Cucumber & Mandarin Orange Salad, Avocado, Milk or Water

How can you incorporate living slower and simpler in your life?  How can you help support this movement in your community?  In what ways do you keep yourself grounded?  What knowledge can you teach and pass down?   How can you encourage putting in foods with good energy in your body and your families' body?  We are lucky to have so many resources out there that can help you.  I want to help teach you and your family how to do these things that we cherish but haven't forgotten to do for ourselves.  

The Before & After ME

Has something so BIG happened to you that you aren't the same person even down to your cells?

Most people that I know have that pivotal moment.  It can range from something joyful like a big trip at an impressional age or a particular time in your life or having kids or it can be something horrific like a betrayal or the death of a loved one.


You're never left the same person nor do you really want to be!


But, occasionally I catch myself grieving the "Before Me" especially when I see photos around that pivotal time in my life and remember what it was like to be her.  I miss her steadfast bravery, her naivety, her sheer stubbornness, her carefree indifference to the world around her, her lackadaisical way of life, so many more freedoms.  

You cannot rewrite the past. You move forward with an open heart.

I have come to respect and honor the "After Me".   She is much more compassionate.  She is more careful and knowledgeable of the heart, more giving without expectations, more communicative.  She listens to her gut and sets boundaries.  She nurtures herself first!

It's part of growing up.  Suffering is a part of the journey.  Experiences is also a part of the journey.  I was watching a movie recently that said something along the lines of you aren't really an adult yet until you get your heart broken.  It is so true.  The yin and the yang of life.

Learning to also honor and embrace the dark parts because they are essential to the light.

Loving the before and after ME and rephrasing in my head to rejoice for every experience that God has given me.

A farewell toast to Marmie Lingerie

Well, it's here.  The last day of my adventure in lingerie.  It is definitely a bittersweet goodbye.  I have thoroughly enjoyed so many aspects of this business.  I have met and become friends with so many amazing women in my community.  It has allowed me to help empower so many women which is the whole reason I started Marmie.

I began Marmie with a need to do something for just me.  Marmie is an old southern term for mother. It was a name chosen to honor all the mothers including myself.  I just began it as a homemade business.  I needed something else other than kids and chores.  As I blossomed with self-confidence and learning to chose things to make myself grounded and fulfilled, it led me to really want to help others do the same.  Lingerie just fit the bill.

Now, after 2 years in the retail biz in a small resort town, it was a good decision to focus back on why I even started Marmie.  "Mother" comes first and having a family with 3 small children makes a retail business very difficult especially one that is just starting out.  I give big kudos to all the Telluride locals who work so hard and have so many long days during the busy time and the months with no sales.  That's why it is so important to support local businesses!!

Those of you who have known me a long time, will know that I will definitely not be sitting still.  I am really looking forward to switching gears and helping expand my husband's business who will be moving into my space with his wood flooring. And you know that I'm a lover of handmade & local small businesses so you can expect to see my Pop-Up Markets in the future.  I will always have my blog which is such a nice, soft place to come back to.

As far as my children, I will have more space for them and myself.  Honestly, I am a bit unsettled feeling about it all.  I had decided to homeschool my younger two but I haven't done anything to move forward with withdrawing them from school.  I have been a bit torn about it all.  This will be the first time in almost 12 years that I won't have a child at home with me (if I don't homeschool).  It is an easy transition for some women but I am a little sad about it.  And now that I am on the brink of my last day at Marmie Lingerie and getting so close for school to start, it feels like the future is wide open, and I am a nervously excited about the possibility of holding that open space for myself.

So here's to (raise your glasses) pretty lingerie, to fabulous women, to amazing bodies in all their glorious shapes, to all the working mamas, to unknown futures, to happily ever afters, to self-employment, to you and to me.  Thanks for this incredible ride!

Looking forward to what's to come...

Krista

Playing 1979

"Dolce Far Niente"

Or the "Sweetness of Doing Nothing" is a very easy concept for most societies in this world except for ours.

I had to check myself yesterday as I was planning the summer itinerary for myself and my girls.  I almost hit the Checkout Button on all of these wonderful programs that they have in Telluride for kids in the summer.  Paddle Board camp, mountain biking, art, hiking, camping trips, rafting trips, horse trips, swim team, tennis lessons, run with the wolves, etc....  You name it and they have it here. Plus, that's on top of all the amazing festivals lined up and free concerts in the park.  The summers in Telluride are the cherry on top of the year.

But, there was something that made me not follow thru with signing them up for all of these wonderful things.  Well, first selfishly, I don't want to be running kids here and there all summer long. And most importantly, I don't want to over program their summer where there's just no time before school starts back up again.

I don't know how you spent your summers as a kid but I lived on a farm that was 20 miles from town.  I was bored A LOT.  Don't get me wrong!  We had amazing summer vacations, and I always had my horse at home.  But, I also remember sitting around hot as hell in the humid Georgia heat being BORED.  My girlfriend from home asked me once if I played 1979 with my kids.  I told her that I didn't know that game.  She said it's when you lock your kids outside and make them play.  I laughed so hard and said I played that game all the time when I was a kid.  My mom would say "If you don't get off this porch and go play then you're going to have to go pick up rocks in the pastures!"

Playing 1979 to me was 

playing indians in the woods, going fishing, riding my horse, building forts, doing yard work, making ice cream, having picnics, cutting grass, laying in the sun, picking flowers, drinking from a water hose, catching fireflies and crickets, watching the fillies and colts play in the thunderstorms, dancing in the warm rain, wearing your bathing suit all day long for days, playing in the sprinkler, slip n slides, bickering with and annoying my sister and brother, sleeping under the stars, picking apples on my horses back, cleaning out barn stalls, barn kittens, hauling hay, swimming pools, boating, intertubing, reading, making mud pies, riding in the back of my dad's pick up truck, and spending all day outside with no one able to reach us until we came home for dinner.

I decided that my girls needed more time of being bored and playing 1979.  Heck, I need more 1979 in my life too.  I decided that instead of doing all these camps and organized activities that I should just hire a babysitter at home more this summer while I work so they can learn "dolce far niente". My Bucket list this summer is more time with friends and family and less time of being overly occupied.  I hope you and yours a summer filled with summer fun and maybe a little more time of being bored.

"Under Grace" and Love...Honoring a young soul taken too soon

ROMANS 6:14 says this: For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Read this verse in a sermon from Justin from Grace Church in Montrose, CO about the passing of a young soul.  For my friends and family who aren't a part of this community - a lovely, wonderful 17 year old girl took her life and has left everyone in such shock and sadness.  She suffered from depression which was antagonized by extreme bullying.  I did not know her personally but knew of her and had the pleasure of catering an event for her family a few years ago.  She was lovely, beautiful, involved in the church, had a loving supportive family.  She was not the person who you would picture to end her life.  She is your daughter, your sister, your best friend, your girlfriend.  She could be you.  And yet, it happened.

There have been so many tragedies lately in our community especially of those taken too soon.  The circumstances of this awful passing has left me so sad and concerned.   The entire Montrose community has been affected and are wanting to make a difference.  There are so many issues surrounding bullying and mental health.  And questions like Why is the suicide rate so high here?  I think it is pretty amazing that there is going to be a public forum for the community to address these issues and try to intervene in the future to help save others.

It makes me think about my three daughters with one almost in middle school and all the other children who I come into contact with.

How to prevent this?  How to help someone?  When should you step in?  

What signs to look for?

It's super scary!  It's scares the hell out of me to even consider my child dying before me.  I have witnessed so many brave friends who have travelled this journey.  The pain transfers over to the ones left behind.  Some are able to use their experiences to counsel or make a difference but that is not a calling for everyone.  Others just try to focus on each day at a time.  I have learned that at some point in time we all experience a loss or pain that we learn to carry.  Their courage inspires me and increases my faith.

The verse from Romans above really touched me.  I don't remember this one from Sunday School.  Being under the power of Grace feels so freeing and so loving.  My God is a loving and fair one who gives himself freely to everyone.  He is not a fire and brimstone God who governs with a strict law and iron fist.  I know that he welcomed her home.  I don't think that this was his plan for her but how can we use this for good under His Grace? How can this tragedy teach us all?  How can her life and her experiences change us?  

I know that for me the first thing I did was talk to my two older daughters and my mother.  To open the dialogue about suicide and bullying with my children.  To ask the tough questions.  To encourage their self-confidence as well as their support for other kids that they witness who are being picked on.  To ask my children's school what kind of programs and policies that they have in bullying.  

It also gave me the courage to approach one of my daughter's teachers who she told me was not stepping in when bullying was happening in their class.  It gave me the courage to do something and to speak up.  I hope this will also inspire you to do the same.  Her death has left a big mark and she will always be remembered.  I pray for all the losses that our community and my friends have endured.  

Under love and grace,

Krista

For the Love of Women

Yesterday was International Women's Day.  It was a day to remember and honor all the women who have paved the way for us and who still are.  As a tribute to all wonderful ladies who are all bad asses, I thought I would share some images that help me feel strong, empowered, confident, beautiful, fierce and compassionate.  You must invoke all of these things to truly change the world.  I believe the women of the world will create a better future for us all.  We must raise our girls and our boys to love and to have tolerance.

-To respect nature

Charlotte Caron

-To Triumph Over Your Fears

tumblr

-To love and honor our children 

daughterofthesun77.blogspot.com

-To Feel Wild and Free

Savannah London

-To Cherish our Family and Elders

Michael Sanders

-To think that you are Beautiful and Overcome Tragedies

Josie Earp

-To be a Bad Ass who takes care of business and a Graceful Lady at the same time

Kelly Reemsten

-To have Deep Connections with other Inspiring Women

Laura Carginan

-To Serve Others

jezebel.com

-To have a Strong Spiritual Connection with Another and To Be Silly

awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com

-To be Fierce when needed but not to loose your softness

Cuded

-To Be Happy and Laugh as much as possible

pixoto

Southern Style Baby Shower

All ladies end up hosting one if not many showers in her lifetime.  I have had the honor to throw quite a few for my loved ones as well as catering some when I used to be a caterer.

Sometimes, hosting a shower without a couple of ladies can be a little overwhelming.

My advice is always to:

1. Keep it simple. Less is Always more.
2. Do as much ahead as possible.
3. Delegate. (put your kids to work if you have them)

Since our family has been uprooted from the South to Colorado, there are some traditions that we miss.  So, my sister-in-law decided that she would like to have a Southern Style Baby Shower to remind us of all the love and goodness that we miss from Georgia.

I decided to do evite invitations to make it easier on myself.  Although that is kinda Not very Southern Style.  Oh well, you can't do it all.

Me and my beautiful sister in law

For favors I did little bottles of Tabasco with Monogrammed initial tags.  If it's not monogrammed then it's not Southern.  I had two bottles of Moonshine - one for my mom who let us have the shower at her house and one for the winner of our fun game.  I made up a Southern Sayings Trivia Game.  I typed up 20 different Southern Sayings and left out a word to see if these Colorado-ians could complete the saying.  For example - He's living in high _______.  (answer: cotton).

For Drinks, I made Coffee Punch which is a must have at any shower in the South.  It's super easy too.  1 Gallon of Vanilla Ice Cream, 2 pots of coffee, 1 tub of cool whip and a dusting of cocoa powder.  Pour room temperature coffee over ice cream.  Top with cool whip then dust with cocoa powder.

We also had Orange Juice and Grapefruit Juice with Champagne.

For the Food, I did a Buttermilk Biscuit Bar with honey ham slices, sausage gravy and honey/butter/peach preserve.  We had a fresh fruit salad (don't do the frozen kind - that's so yucky).  I made Paula Deen's Grits Casserole.  I printed out a menu, used disposable wares and had a pretty fresh floral centerpiece that also had a monogrammed initial medallion in the center.  

My mama making the biscuits

After letting our tummies settled, I brought out the Monogrammed Vanilla Bean Cupcakes which is the mama-to-be's favorite flavor.  A dear friend of ours made these for her.  Aren't they awesome!

Sometimes you just need to Hibernate

I've been wanting to write for some time but every draft that I have written I haven't published.  It seems my dragon (aka my anger) unleashes itself when I write so I have just stuck to journaling for myself the last few months.  I am going to try another go at it today because I have talked to so many others lately that have also been feeling similar to me.  2014 wasn't the best year for my family.  We had a great loss and a lot of transitions in many different forms.  I've also encountered so much negativity on social media and just having to deal with people in general hasn't been on the fun list.

It's hard to embrace the crap when you are thigh high in it.  It's also hard to see the good that will or has come from it when you're in it.

I've also been feeling like I don't want to put myself out there as much as I did before now that I have started a new business.  I have an image that I am supposed to represent but I also want to be who I am and what is real.  It's a slippery slope for sure.  I've never been really good at censoring myself.

My best friend offered me some great advice.

  "Sometimes you just need to hibernate."

It's so true and is what I have been feeling during this winter time.  I just feel like gathering my family and a couple of friends who are family and hunkering down in our "cabin in the woods" for the winter.  Have you also been feeling less social, less energetic, just less?  I think it's a great thing to withdraw sometimes especially for me.  I love putting myself out there but it catches up with me and I need to fill my cup back up.

I had a long list of New Year's Resolutions for 2015.  A lot of things that I wanted to do more of and things that I wanted to do less of.  But my friend, Kate stated it perfectly in her very wise words.  "Be more present in my own life."  That pretty much sums it up into the perfect resolution.

How can you be more present in your own life?  What does that look like to you?

For me just to name a few:

-It's less time on my phone/computer, less time worrying about other people, less time thinking about things that I have no control over, less time drinking, less time wasting time, and less time "poking at things".  My mom has told me that I "poke at things" and I need to let things play out or give them space.  

-It's more time playing with my kids, more time exercising, more time taking care of myself, more time eating breakfast, more time reading, more time thinking about my blessings, more time outside, more time accepting the what is, more time connecting with my new community, more time focusing on grounding myself, and more time writing just for me.

So, we all probably have the same goals and we all want to do them.  It's the HOW, right?  How do you do it especially when life gives you curve balls?

Eckhart Tolle says - You suffer enough and then you just do it.  Just like that!  And maybe the dark times are still good for you just like the good times are.  I think it's the yin and yang of life.  We just have to experience it all and try to embrace even the crappy parts.  And maybe embracing the crappy parts may piss you off and you need to break something.  I think that's all good too!

So, here's to a great new year to embrace and love it all.  And to go into it with the darkness of the past and be glad for it because it is BIG motivator to "be more present in my own life."

Run Your Own Race... a dreamer's story

I thought that I would spend a little time writing about how I got here.  Well, to the place of Marmie Lingerie.  I have so many passions and loves and interests. It's hard to always just pick one.  I'm a dreamer and a doer.  

My first business, Ginger Magnolia Catering, was an amazing experience that I started with my best friend.  It was our shared passion of cooking together and our need to have something more than just being a mom & the household chores.  At that time life was just hard.  Andy was gone all the time working so far away, we had marital problems, and we were in a new town.  I just felt like I needed something/someone to give me that zest of life that I had been missing.  So a beautiful business and friendship bloomed.  I loved it and I will always, always have a passion for food.  One day I know that I will do something in this field again.  Writing a cookbook or several has always been on my bucket list.  After my partner moved away and the business was just mine, that zest diminished.  Then adding on top of that a third pregnancy, repeatedly losing my commissary kitchen due to the restaurants going out of business and then not having a staff since I couldn't provide full time work - just kept me in a feeling of extreme overwhelm.  Fortunately, my husband's business was doing well so he carefully suggested that I just be mom for a while.  It felt like such a relief to be given permission to fail.  Even though it wasn't really a failure because my business was doing so amazing but the timing was off for me.  It was just too difficult to do it all.

Mehana & I having more fun than working

During that time, I had also started sewing purses and had a second full-time job on top of raising a young family.  I loved loved creating Marmie Bags.  It was another outlet and direction for my creativity.  I had so many big dreams with this business.  I had hoped to transition from catering which had so many conflicts that I couldn't control to making bags and creating a brand and global business.  But after two years of working my tail off, it ended up being a really expensive & time consuming hobby.  I had to make some decisions.  I really enjoyed creating and connecting but I would have to manufacture thousands of bags to keep costs low and to really see any kind of profit.  The math just didn't make it possible to move forward plus the amount of time that it took to sew each purse completely consumed my days.  Therefore, I phased out the purses.  That also felt like another failure but I had to evaluate what my time was worth to me and to my family and especially after two years of not seeing any real profit or promise of a future profit.  My intention also with this business was to be big enough to make a difference.  To use the brand of Marmie to create a project that could make an impact on people.

My first Marmie bags photo shoot

What I found during this time was Writing!  I just loved it.  I just kept writing and writing which then led me to really examine myself.  What was my life's purpose?  Why am I here?  What am I supposed to be doing and for the sake of what?

My life's purpose is to help people.  To show them how wonderful they all are.  To love them and tell them that sometimes life is just too hard but that it's worth it all. That the darkness is just as important as the light.  To show them that they matter.  To also show myself that I matter.  I want to help change the world.  I want to empower women.  I want them to love themselves.  

It's a wonderful feeling to know what your life's purpose is.  Do you know yours?  Write it down.  Read it out loud.  

So, in this journey of mine I have actually found way more than I thought that I had lost.  Once you know the why, the path to get there just presents itself.  And if that road becomes closed then just pick a new one.  There are so many different ways that I can make a difference and fulfill my life's purpose.

Marmie Lingerie has been a business idea that I've had for years.  But for some reason I kept trying to get different friends to do it.  Again, I think timing is everything.  I think that at that time I didn't know my purpose and I was just trying to find that zest that I talked about earlier.  I also was lacking in a little confidence in myself.  Here's a little secret about me:  I am terrified of public speaking!  So, the thought of formally getting up before a crowd leaves me so anxious and nervous.  Plus, I am a TERRBILE, AWFUL BLUSHER.  But through Three Graces (community outreach program for women that I started with 2 other ladies), I have slowly been conquering that fear.  I'm still afraid though and am still a bad blusher but I'm not going to let that fear stop me.

So by taking the time to withdraw and pull in and work on myself, my writing (blog) and my family.  It opened up some space and time to let the light in.  I saw this quote above when I was searching on my Pinterest for inspirational quotes using the word "Courage".  I am devoting myself to the idea of helping and empowering women.  This is my dream! And while looking for encouraging words I stumbled across this phrase that I had never heard before and now I see it everywhere.  

RUN YOUR OWN RACE

This is such a great motto. Life is so much like a marathon.  Have you ever done any long distance running?  You have to get over that initial hump and chatter in your head that says I can't do it.  And then it's like you could run forever.  You get this steady pace and there isn't anyone else running with you.  It's weird but I just can't run next to anyone even when I've tried.  It's not a competition with anyone.  It's just you and the road.  The only competition is you and your thoughts.  I hope all the runners make it and if one falls you stop and help them up.  It's the best feeling when you get to the finish line.  

I have lots of metaphors for my life.  I'm adding this one too.  I think I'll even put a post it of it on my bathroom mirror.  So, you see when you get real clear with your intentions and your perception of reality then you'll see that there's nothing to worry about.  I trust in the unfolding of time and what the Universe and God will bring to me.  I have my Three Graces group that is already fulfilling my mission and my purpose.  It is almost a year of our group and is really blooming! I started back in February trying to make Marmie Lingerie happen and just wasn't getting anywhere with making contact with the Paris Lingerie company.  I just stopped pushing and focused back on my family and moving.  And then once I got all settled in and the timing was just right - all of a sudden the representatives starting emailing me back.  It really is so cool how it happens that way.   

I am putting it out there that after working regionally with Marmie Lingerie and impacting and touching the lives of lots of women that I could spread the love further and further.  Maybe one day being a global brand and sending my message everywhere.  Teaching women to truly love themselves.  I want them all to be able to say and believe "I am beautiful. I am love.  I am the light."  And even maybe design and create my own line of lingerie one day.

Dream BIG.  Trust in Yourself.  Be Clear of Your Intentions. Run Your Own Race.

2 Things to a Lasting Marriage ++ a recipe

Today marks our 14th year being married and 19 years together.  Next year, we are due for a big celebration!  It's been a road that has had lots of joys, tears and lessons.  But that's life and that is surely marriage.  I've been thinking about what makes a marriage last because we have had our share of stuff that would rip most marriages apart.  So, what is it that makes us stick it out and all the other marriages that last compared to the ones that don't.  I come from a family that has both lasting marriages and divorces.  So, I have witnessed and experienced both.

I think it boils down to only 2 things that distinguish a marriage that lasts compared to ones that don't.


1)  You and your partner are both willing to improve yourselves.  You are both willing to admit your flaws and work on them.  You both want to "Do the Work".  I read in a book by Harville Hendrix that said "your partner isn't here to make you happy if given the chance your partner is here to help you fix your wounds of a lifetime".  I just love that!  If you can stick with the hard times, you both can heal each other.  The key here is BOTH.  From my experience, most failed marriages are from only one person or neither one wanting to improve and the saying " F* off.  I am how I am. Deal or Leave."  I am blessed to be in a partnership where we are both up for healing and being the best selves that we can be.


2)  The other type of lasting marriage is the one that reminds me of my grandparents.  They both disliked a lot of things with the other but they both accepted the other's flaws.  And they both loved each other anyway.  It's the mentality of "I made my bed and now I have to lay in it."  I don't necessarily prescribe to this personally but it does work for a lot of other people.  Some people have some wounds that are so great and so big that it is just too hard or they don't have the tools/knowledge of how to make things better.  My grandfather fought as a foot soldier in WW2 and had to do horrible things.  My grandmother said that he still woke up with nightmares until the day he died which was at an old age.  Even though this approach doesn't necessarily work for my marriage, I totally respect this because I don't have those types of wounds.  It's the mind set that "Yeah, he/she has some really messed up ways but, I choose to love anyway.  I choose to stick with it anyway."

So, there you have it.  The 2 secrets to a lasting marriage from me who maybe doesn't know it all but who is learning and loving along the way.

 And Happy Happy Anniversary to my love, Andy.  I'm looking forward to the many many years to come with you.  So, here is a recipe for one of his favorite things : Pina Colada Cheesecake.  And if you liked this article, you have to also read 15 Ways to be Married for 15 years.

Reclaiming What You Avoid

I've been sitting on writing this post for several months now.  I feel like the words are now on my tongue or actually on my fingers.  It's the time especially after participating in an Equine Therapy class this past weekend that really empowered me & encouraged me to use my voice.

Has something happened to you and then you avoid things that remind you of the pain?  It could have been from losing someone, a betrayal, a bad experience, or maybe it isn't even your memory but someone else's.

And now you find yourself changing the radio when a certain song comes on, not being able to eat a certain food, go to a particular place, buy a particular brand or thing, maybe even take a different route to get to somewhere.  There are so many little things like this that I had found myself doing.  And then all of a sudden it just kinda dissipated and I realized that I wasn't doing it anymore. I was owning it again.

Time does help but so does a mindset and your perception.  I read somewhere once that you should wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time that you start to do something that isn't a good choice for you then you should snap that rubber band super hard on your wrist.  I thought that was kinda funny and a good mental tool.  But I had also been using it to avoid.  Avoid places that reminded me of bad memories and songs that made me cry and even clothes that had a logo that pissed me off.  It sounds a little silly when writing it. I was snapping that rubber band to not be - to have fear.

The other thing that helps is by changing how you want to look at things.  I have always said that sometimes gifts come in shitty packages.  It is so true.  So all of a sudden I said I am taking back my power - my voice.  I am stepping back into it and not allowing these silly things that I avoid be a part of my life anymore.  I am buying that thing.  I am driving on that road that I would detour.  I am going to that place.  I am listening to that song.  I am wearing that shirt.

I AM.

I am changing my thoughts.  I am snapping that rubber band for the things I avoided and for the things that don't serve me.  I have the choice and the power in my mind to choose whatever thought that I want.  If I continue to do this then I will create a new neuro-pathway.  I am taking back my truth.  The real truth.  The only truth.  I am rewriting old ways and writing a new story.  Old pains that aren't relevant because it is NOW.

What are things that you avoid?  Why are you holding on to it?  How is it serving you?  Is it bringing you happiness?  Is it even really the truth?

Step into your power and take back your voice of love and truth.  I like to believe in magic because it's the best way to describe what happens when you open your eyes.  Each day is a new beginning to let it go.  So, here we go.

What is your Body Trying to Tell You

I find it very interesting to learn what your body is trying to tell you about your spirit with certain illnesses.  This study is called the metaphysical cause of illnesses.  Do you have recurring illnesses?  Or how about you develop a disease that seems so random?  Of course, sometimes you just get sick with a cold or something but usually when you do it's because you are stressed, run down or haven't been taking good care of yourself.  So, really it is still a metaphysical cause.

When I get sick or someone I know does, I always like to look up the emotional cause of the sickness.  It is really telling.  I also like to look it from several different sights.

Here are some that I really like to use:

Louise Hay List of Common Illnesses and Metaphysical Causes

Vital Affirmations - Healing - Metaphysical Causes

The Mind-Body Connection Glossary: Index of Ailments

For instance, when I was a teenager and in college I used to get bronchitis and sinus infections at least once a year.

The metaphysical meaning is .....

From my-holistic-healing.com "Your enthusiasm for life has become depressed because you have devoted your time and energy to someone or something outside of yourself. This drains your life force energy because you are not doing something you really want to do that makes you feel passionate and vital. You need to start devoting your energy to inspires you and uplifts your heart."

From vital affirmations.com  "Inflamed family environment."

From keeperofbalance.com  "The ability to take in life. Depression. Grief. Not feeling worthy of living life fully."

During that time my parents were going through a divorce that wasn't expected.  I fell in love with Andy and he was my everything.  I was away at college and life was so different.  I can look back and see why I kept getting the same illness.  As of today, I haven't had these sicknesses since then.  It really is eye opening to see what is your "work".

Here are some other common ones:

Kidney - "A relationship issue has come to the surface to be resolved however, you feel angry about this so you are holding on to this feeling in order to feel powerful. You need to release your anger and focus your energy on what you truly want for this relationship."

Migrane - "When your mind will not allow an outlet for your frustrations, you create an blockage of energy in and around the head. You need to relinquish control of your emotions by allowing yourself to express how you feel in a constructive way."

Fatigue - "We become tired when our body, mind and souls are not equally engaged in what we are doing in life. When we do not feel a sense of purpose in what we are doing or when the mind rules over our hearts or bodies, we become imbalanced because some part of us has to compensate by disengaging whilst another forces or pushes us to keep going. It is this imbalance that causes us to feel tired and drained."

What is your illness and what does is body trying to tell you?

Source

A tribute to Claudia

My mother-in-law passed away this past Thursday after a short battle with an aggressive cancer.  It doesn't even seem real that this really happened.  Claudia Heaney Montalvo was a mother, grandmother, wife, daughter and wonderful friend.  I became a part of the Montalvo clan right after my 17th birthday.  I was instantly part of the family.  I could always talk to Claudia.  She was my confidant.  I could tell her things that I couldn't tell my mom or a friend.  She was such a big part of our lives and she is going to be so missed my us all.

I made two lists about Claudia that I read at her service.  One is of all the funny things that she loved and the other is all the things that we will miss about her.  At her memorial service we even came up with two new Claudia words that I know she would have gotten a kick out of. 

1. Claudia-isms  

2. Claudia time

Things Claudia loved:

beach sands from around the world

diet coke in a can

corn

opals

lobster

smelly lotions

Hawaiian shirts

Irish butter

little hotel shampoos, conditioners & soaps

refrigerator magnets from around the world

Caribbean & Hawaiian music

Passoa Liquor & 43 Liquor with milk

reading glasses with beaded lanyards

her family & friends

Things we will miss:

"Oh Geez"

30 minute goodbyes

soup

gravy

Puerto Rican rice & beans

"Come on Joe"

"Geez Joe"

sitting on outlet mall benches for hours

Correcting Joe's grammar

Repeating yourself to her because she can't hear

Laughter

freaking her out on mountain roads

hugs to say hello & goodbye

always available

good listener

a dependable DD

how hilarious she was after only one drink

loved to go on vacation or plan a vacation

the prettiest blue eyes

the most beautiful, abnormally strong legs

family dinners

the way she would look at you like something was on your face

always happy

always smiling

trying to get 3 dz ears of corn, 2 dz peaches, corn chips, tortillas, jerky, etc... into an already packed suitcase

getting 15 pairs of socks for Christmas because they were a good deal

parenting & marriage advice

she was the glue who pulled all the extended family together

miss all the love and memories esp. with the new addition of a grandchild

This is the best poem that I have seen that helps with losing a loved one.  

We love you Claudia.  We will all miss you terribly!