Index of Thoughts

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

The Feelings of Disenfranchised Grief

It's a struggle to even write this journal post because I'm not "allowed" to feel the feelings. The grief work on disenfranchised grief is prickly but writing it down helps me process the emotions of it all. And I wrote it to help all of you out there who are reading this and need the validation of feelings like I did.

Someone who caused me so much pain in my life suddenly died at a young age.  She was a part of my story. A big part - the kind of story that transforms who you are.  And now she is dead.

I'm not supposed to feel sad, mad, glad or whatever for her. I am not allowed to talk about her. I'm supposed to have let all that shit go. It was 10 years ago. I may have forgiven her but I will never forget. Ever!

There is no room for how I feel. No place to put it. I am heartbroken. Sad that if there were ever to be an apology, a reconciliation, an understanding, anything - it will never happen. It's not that I expected one but hope is kinda funny like that.

I also feel so mad at her for her choices in my life. I also feel so sad for her too.  We had an awful dance together. So many tears. But I used all that pain as a platform as a gift as a transformation.  So in a way she was my teacher - a gift in a real shitty box. She shined a light on all my ugly - the "dragon" inside of me.

It feels so strange and complicated and awful to have someone die that had such an impact in your life and have to process a lot of it internally and secretly. I had someone scold me for having dark humor about her dying.  Excuse Me! Don't judge me for how I cope with death.  "She is someone's wife, sister, daughter, mother"  Yes, but she was also a bitch in my life, a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a drunk, a bully. I was afraid to leave my house because of her.  She played that role in other people's lives too.

We both set out to hurt each other as much as we hurt inside.  Of course, that side of her isn't seen by her loved ones.  I never saw that other side of her - the one that other people who loved her knew.  The side that was kind, fun, wonderful.  I do know it existed.  She also saw my dark side and in that knowing and seeing the most awful and the darkest of the dark of each other - it created something between us that doesn't just go away after 10 years. It was an unspoken woman connection of pain.  I can say for sure that if my name came up to her she would not say that she had forgotten me.  I wonder if she ever did forgive me like I had forgiven her?  I wonder what she did think of me after all this time?

I wished things could have been different between us.  I wish none of this ugliness was between us. I wish I knew that wonderful person that everyone else will miss. The fact that she is now dead does not bring me closure because as long as I live then my story lives and the memories are still there. I used to light a candle for her and wish her love and light and hoped she had received it. Maybe doing that again will help settle the bubbling up emotions. Light a candle for her soul and all of those left with the pain of losing her.

I learned you have to be careful who you share dark feelings with.  They aren't for everyone. There are a select few who can handle pain like that. It was the same when I was going through the hurt ten years ago too.

I came across an article online (Click here) that really helped me process and validate my feelings.

I would love for any of you to share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below about the death of someone who caused you pain?


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