Tuesday, August 5, 2014
2 Things to a Lasting Marriage ++ a recipe
Today marks our 14th year being married and 19 years together. Next year, we are due for a big celebration! It's been a road that has had lots of joys, tears and lessons. But that's life and that is surely marriage. I've been thinking about what makes a marriage last because we have had our share of stuff that would rip most marriages apart. So, what is it that makes us stick it out and all the other marriages that last compared to the ones that don't. I come from a family that has both lasting marriages and divorces. So, I have witnessed and experienced both.
I think it boils down to only 2 things that distinguish a marriage that lasts compared to ones that don't.
1) You and your partner are both willing to improve yourselves. You are both willing to admit your flaws and work on them. You both want to "Do the Work". I read in a book by Harville Hendrix that said "your partner isn't here to make you happy if given the chance your partner is here to help you fix your wounds of a lifetime". I just love that! If you can stick with the hard times, you both can heal each other. The key here is BOTH. From my experience, most failed marriages are from only one person or neither one wanting to improve and the saying " F* off. I am how I am. Deal or Leave." I am blessed to be in a partnership where we are both up for healing and being the best selves that we can be.
2) The other type of lasting marriage is the one that reminds me of my grandparents. They both disliked a lot of things with the other but they both accepted the other's flaws. And they both loved each other anyway. It's the mentality of "I made my bed and now I have to lay in it." I don't necessarily prescribe to this personally but it does work for a lot of other people. Some people have some wounds that are so great and so big that it is just too hard or they don't have the tools/knowledge of how to make things better. My grandfather fought as a foot soldier in WW2 and had to do horrible things. My grandmother said that he still woke up with nightmares until the day he died which was at an old age. Even though this approach doesn't necessarily work for my marriage, I totally respect this because I don't have those types of wounds. It's the mind set that "Yeah, he/she has some really messed up ways but, I choose to love anyway. I choose to stick with it anyway."
So, there you have it. The 2 secrets to a lasting marriage from me who maybe doesn't know it all but who is learning and loving along the way.
And Happy Happy Anniversary to my love, Andy. I'm looking forward to the many many years to come with you. So, here is a recipe for one of his favorite things : Pina Colada Cheesecake. And if you liked this article, you have to also read 15 Ways to be Married for 15 years.