Index of Thoughts

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Death of a Spouse - guidance on supporting the heavy hearted

Our community has a heavy heart with the news of a father, husband, brother and friend's untimely death.  It is such a terrible loss for a young family to lose the man in their life.  When someone's spouse passes at a young age, it leaves so many people feeling so heart broken - an entire town is utterly at loss of words for such a tragedy.

I decided to look up some words of comfort that I will share with all of you because such an event is so very difficult for so many people.  It touches people's lives who don't even know the family.  A tragic loss brings up the pain and losses that have happened in your own life and it shows you how precious life really is.  I think it is the greatest fear that all people have - to lose your spouse (or loved ones) esp. when you have young children.

The other difficult thing for people who experience a tragic loss is dealing with grief.  This is such a complicated grief.  There are five stages of grief that people experience in no particular order:

Sometimes this can get you thru the shock.  It helps you cope with overwhelming emotions.
Anger is a secondary emotion.  It is a step up actually from feeling utter despair.  Anger gives you energy.  Anger gives you a sense of control esp. when you feel powerless.
This stage will drive you crazy - the "What if I...".  But it helps you get a sense of control.
This is the stage that happens privately.  This is the part that can last for soooo very long and be so hard to overcome.
Not everyone is able to reach this stage of peace.  The only way to really get to this stage is to feel all the grief in all it's forms.

I have also experienced that sometimes when people have such complicated, deep grief it can be very difficult for friends and family to know what to do, what to say/not say or how to act.  I think at first it should be brief words of comfort.  Nobody wants to hear how delighted you are that their loved one is now in Heaven.  Simple words of sympathy is the best way and {Hugs} are wonderful.

Then, once all the stuff has been done and all the people have left is when the real tough times come.  I think the best support is just Being.  Being available, being a friend, being able to listen, being able to cry, being able to share memories, being able to cook/clean/errands/shuttle, being able to not judge, being able to lay down on the floor with them, Simply Being.  Finding support from people who have experienced such a loss can also be tremendously comforting.  No one wants to feel alone and this can be so healing in so many ways.

But, not everyone is able to just BE.

There are certain angels that are here on this Earth that have a gift for that.  If you are needing help in grief, it can't always be the person that you think it should be sometimes it can be a perfect stranger or an acquaintance.

I hope this may offer some guidance or support for anyone experiencing this stage of life.

I know that there are no words that can ease the pain of such an unbearable loss.  I pray that if you are experiencing such grief that you can find strength and comfort through the warmth and support of so many people that love you.  And that one day you will be able to feel joy at the wonderful memories that you shared together.

Much love to You all

**I also love this emotional guidance scale from Abraham Hicks.  Please share under comments below if you have any advice on what helped you at such a time.

*A great book recommendation for how to relate with people with great sorrow - "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart"   Available at Amazon.
*Writing is very therapeutic.  Write a letter to the person who is deceased and read it out loud.  All the things that you want to say.

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