Index of Thoughts

Monday, November 12, 2012

Self Punishment

When I think of self punishment, the first thing that pops into my head is the scene in the movie The Da Vinci Code where the monk was flogging himself.  It's not a pretty sight or a fun thought.  This is definitely a heavy subject that I am talking about here.  But it is one that I feel like talking about with you and with myself.  There are so many ways that we punish and hate ourselves that we hide inside and show no one.  You may think "Oh no not me" but Yes, you are exactly who I am talking too.  There are drastic ways that people do it and subtle ways that you are not aware of.  I am becoming aware of the things I do or at least trying to become aware of.  Yet, sometimes even though I am aware of some - I do them anyway.  In writing to all of you it definitely helps me have more clarity on this subject for myself.

Here are the major ones that we first think of: staying in an abusive relationship, cutting yourself, doing drugs, being an alcoholic, suicide.  And so you make think that you are doing okay since you don't do any of these awful things to yourself.

But how about these?  Do you they hit home?  staying friends with someone who isn't a true friend,  sneaking to do things, lying, replaying the past over and over in your head, visiting someone's FB page who should not be in your thoughts or life, not listening to your gut, not sleeping, doing more for others than you would do for yourself, not loving yourself deep inside, not allowing yourself true joy, resentful, comparing yourself, trying to control things, not trusting in the unfolding of time, always choosing the wrong guy/girl, seeking approval or praise, betraying yourself/morals, isolating yourself from others, not allowing yourself to feel, not letting go.

WHY do we do things?  WHY do we not really love ourselves?  WHO is that voice that enables us to punish ourselves?  WHY is this such a secret?

I love the book, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle and in it he says that our ego is this desperate voice.  And that our ego is NOT who we are. Our ego is just a survival tool with a very BIG mouth. Since I can recognize these thoughts or actions as separate from my true nature - my authentic self, that's how you can tell that it isn't true or real.  The next thing that I learned from this book is that awareness is the first step.  How can you try to stop if you don't think that you ever do anything to punish yourself! Or that you are always the victim, never ever responsible?

But how about the things that we know that we do and still do anyway?  I definitely have things that I do and some that I am just realizing that I do.  One huge tell tell sign for me is my neck!  All of my shit will manifest there.  Do you have a recurring injury or chronic pain somewhere?  Once your body finds your weak spot then all of your crap inside will usually surface there.  Listen to your body!

Now that I am aware.  The next step is to STOP!  Let go of things that don't serve you.  OK.  Yes, I know, but HOW?

I am still working on the HOW!  I guess you just STOP.  It's that easy.  You just love yourself.  You do things that honor yourself.  You become more balanced in all areas of your life to make it easier to love yourself.  You accept love from others.  You listen to yourself.  You take responsibility.  You forgive yourself and others.  All of these things will help you STOP self punishing yourself.

Here are just a few things that I have done to try to help myself.

  1. Got off Facebook for a while.
  2. Focused on the clutter in my house.
  3. Went to sleep at a reasonable hour.
  4. Focused on my family.
  5. Focused on my relationships with my true, important friends.
  6. Did things just out of love without anything in return or feeling resentful (cleaning, laundry, dishes, picking up dog shit, this list could go on and on).
  7. Not reliving and thinking of awful things from the past ( really hard to do).
  8. Trying not to talk or even think about someone from the past who did hurtful things to me (BIG one for me).
  9. Said "No" to things that I didn't want to do.

At first I didn't think that I was really doing anything wrong until my neck told me otherwise.  SO, I had to do a little digging.  And I had to change my perception of how I saw some of the things that I was doing.

I hope this has made you more aware of something that you are doing in your life that is not serving you well.  Time to Stop.  Time to Love Yourself.  Let's do this!!


  1. I love this... I have been trying to "LET GO OF THE THINGS THAT NO LONGER SERVE ME". That is my thing... I hold on to things... If at one time it served me... I need to recognize when it does not any more... sometimes I do it... just to do it! But I have told myself I need to be passionate about it to keep it in my life!

    1. I know this one well too. I have been practicing saying if it isn't a Hell Yeah then it is a No.

  2. Good for you for recognizing that you were punishing yourself. I think it is a human condition, but it is one we can be aware of and heal if we want to. I am really bad about the later portion, doing to much for others, being resentful, worrying too much about what others think or approve of. But this year I have made big effort to take care of myself and tell myself that I do deserve the things that I don't!

    1. I think that sometimes we don't see that we are doing these bad things to ourselves but if you look at it differently then it really is all the same. And I agree that it is a human condition but one that I want to try to do differently. I applaud you for trying to be better to yourself as well.


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